Your Ethereal Heart

“It's a motherf@(ker. Being here without you

Thinking 'bout the good times. Thinking 'bout the bad

And I won't ever be the same”

It's a Motherf@(ker, Eels

Dear Emma,

My emotional strata is pie crust thin these days. The well-grown and thick psychic skin I fostered for years that kept my ever encroaching insecurity, fear, anger, and sadness at bay has eroded. I know this is not unexpected, but it doesn’t make it any less disturbing. I have to remind myself each day to just stop for a second, close my eyes, and take a breath. I need to feel my lungs inflate. Concentrate as the oxygen flows into my blood vessels. Wait until the river of life pumping through my veins reaches my heart and makes it beat one more time. I open my eyes. I keep walking.

In this odd vulnerable state, I dutifully remind myself that not everyone can see the gaping whole in my chest where my heart used to be. Friend, family, those with so much love for us; they can see the whole. They are keenly aware of this missing piece of me. But slowly their support and love helps my new heart, my different heart, my sacred and sacred heart grow. That’s the funny thing funny strange, not funny “ha.”); you won’t be without your heart forever when this happens, but you’ll never get the old one back.

Today, I look at my computer screen. Your heart is my solace. It watches over me as I try to make good for others. It keeps me strong as I try to make a world you’d be proud of. It brings me peace as I work to honor your sacrifice. Your heart centers me.

You did not only donate your worldly heart, but your ethereal heart was given to me. It now grows within me and expects me to live on to the fullest in honor of you. Though my skin has grown thin, my heart blossoms anew.

Love,

Dad