What is Strength?

Dear Emma,

As days go by more tears come. We miss you so much. I hate that we have to move forward but I try and focus on the good. I find this strength I didn’t know I had and it keeps me going each day.

What is strength? Some people see someone who is aggressive, straight forward, who is no nonsense, and think, they are strong and probably a bad ass, too.

My definition of the word has changed. You don’t know strength until you’ve walked in something like we have. The strength comes from the choices we make (and from God of course). It would be so easy to curse the world and God and stay in bed or drink to numb the pain; To not speak of this horrible time and to pretend we are ok, but to lean into our pain, to face it head on every day and to lean into faith and understand that somethings are bigger then us and that we are not meant to understand it in this life; To make a decision to get out of bed and face the world day after day with a piece of yourself missing; To still strive to be a great parent to our other two amazing daughters even when we feel like weeping instead; This is strength. To go to work and to face people and retell your story, the very abbreviated version, because there just isn’t enough time. To see the looks of sorrow and to feel like others will now only see us as the ones who lost a child. It takes strength everyday.

Being in the hospital with you, I found a strength I didn’t know I had. My heart ached and I was broken inside but during the day I was strong for my baby girl. I held you and smiled more then I could even imagine. My job was to be strong for you and God met me there and kept me sane. I focused on caring for you and I focused on nurse things, too. Your vent, your oral care, your vital signs. I believe it was just my coping mechanism, but it was how I could stay focused and be strong.

Everyday is hard without you. But I thank God for this strength I didn’t know I had. With your dad by my side I know we can face anything.

Loving you always,

Mommy