Sail into the Wind

“Is it just across the Jordan? Or a city in the stars? Are ya singin' with the angels? Are you happy where you are?”

21 Years, TobyMac

Dear Emma,

It’s funny how we can watch something slowly approaching, but not move a muscle. It’s like our instinct for emotional preservation is dulled or overriding by the trance of the great digital looking glass. I knew this was coming. I could have done something to stop it, however, I chose to do nothing. I did questioned what exactly would show up. How would this platform unknowingly plunge the icy knife of losing you into my heart?

Yesterday, you came across my feed. What’s odd about the emotions I feel are that they are so mixed. It’s such a moment of joy. It was the day we gave you a name. The day I knew you were to be my third daughter. There was and is so much joy because I had you here on earth, at least for a few days. It was a day my heart and soul officially divided again to give all my love to another piece of my family.

Staring at the screen also brings a disjointed agony. I sit here feeling just 0.55 millimeter away from being able to be back in this moment of joy, but light years away from you in my arms. The cruel trick of this digital, organic photo album is the illusion that I could still have you here. It’s the trouble with our digital lives. Very quickly what seems so real can evolve into a funhouse of mirrored fantasies. Truth and reality are tenuous in this space.

I’m glad at the end of the day that you came across my feed. I thank God for this memory. I thank God for your short meaningful story. The winds of your loss may be prevailing, but I will sail straight into them for the rest of my life. These winds are how I know you, how I honor you, and how I remember you. Your name, Emma, was given that day. You are my daughter and nothing will ever change that. Though my heart feels heavy, I’m blessed to remember the day we gave you a name.

Love,

Dad