Picking up paperwork...

Dear Emma,

Today I had to go into the doctors office to pick up paperwork. Dad drove me up to the walkway and I got out of the car. It was the first time I walked in without him by my side, but your sisters were with us and with COVID they couldn’t come in. I should have spoke up and asked him to go but I thought, I can do this. As I walked in, I quickly notice a couple to my left with a stroller. Head straight, don’t look... I feel my breathing quicken. I start walking down the hall and I see the lactation office sign and tears being to well up. I should be here with you, going into that door.

Hurry, keep walking... my chest is tight and the lump in my throat gets bigger. I go into the doctors office and say I need to pick up FMLA paperwork. The lady behind the plexiglass grabs my paperwork and grabs a magazine and says “here take one of these, it’s got a ton of gift cards in it.” I grab the magazine and put it under the paperwork without glancing. I can’t get out of there quick enough. How dare her! Doesn’t she know I just lost you?!

At this point I’m speed walking and holding back the tears. I feel like I can’t breath. I’ve never had a panic attack but I feel this was close. I pass a pregnant woman on the stairs and another couple with a car seat. I couldn’t get outside and to the car fast enough. Why was I so weak? I thought I’d be fine. I didn’t realize I would react this way. I quickly realize the world doesn’t know. They don’t know that you died and that I am broken. That woman who gave me the magazine was trying to be kind and I know that. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

It has been weeks since my experience above and I can say that it’s getting easier. Some days are hard and others are easier. There is no right or wrong, just one day at a time. One foot in front of the other...

Wishing you were here,

Love always and forever,

Mommy