Behind the smile there are tears and pain...

Dear Emma,

I was recently surprised to hear that a friend thought we were “over it” and healed because we seemed to be doing so well. Sure, we may smile and be able to go through the day with laughter, but that is because you can’t live in the pain 100% of the time, but by no means it isn’t gone! Not even close. It never will be gone. Some days there are more tears then others. They come in the morning, afternoon or night, while driving or working. I don’t have control when they come but I am good to hold them back when I feel its necessary. Losing you will never be something I get over, it will forever be a piece of me missing. An empty hole that cannot be filled. Some days I’m angry and want to scream, but I try and remind myself that I’m lucky to have had those 7 days with you and I’m lucky for your gift to others. I am still a mother to two amazing daughters here on this earth, your big sisters, and it wouldn’t be fair or healthy to be angry, tearful and upset at every moment. Emma, you reminded us how precious life is. How much of a miracle birth and life is. I have an obligation to you and to your sisters to be the best mom that I can be. To live life to the fullest each day. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel the pain, because it would be impossible not to, I just cannot choose to live there. I need to choose to live for them.

Missing you always,

💜 Mommy